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Thursday, October 30th, 2003

Subject:Sonnet For The Dead
Time:3:46 am.
Mood: content.
It felt so similar, my surroundings still the same, except I'm alone now. Yet everything felt more vibrant and beautiful, almost in mockery of the death around me. The quiet was almost overpowering and the water oddly still when the breeze was so chilling and powerful. I walked over to the tree Melody was once so fond of and glanced hopelessly... images of her smiles and incomprehendible chatter flooded my senses… Another reminder of how so much ended in such tragedy. It was beyond selfish to allow myself to be enthralled with such desire when someone was in such need... but I couldn't change that now.

The dull light coming from cars on the street behind me lit the headstones and flashed upon his grave. I withdrew a breath that felt too powerful for my lungs to handle and choked myself into a coughing fit, I also remember thanking myself for more suffering. Slowly, I paced until I was directly in front of his grave and knelt down.

As every year has it, at this moment I am usually filled with tears just bursting to be let out of my sockets, and yet I was painfully numb. I was staring blankly at green grass painted gray in the dark wondering exactly what the point was in mourning this again…

Imagery flickered upon my eyelids, random memories of fond moments playing as if it were on a projector inside my mind, one after another after another… the most vivid it was the second show we’ve starred in, with our first company. “La Sylphide” was the piece, a well rounded ballet with fouettés of all kinds. Now, he wasn’t the best of all danseurs when we began, but the chemistry we had on stage was what made it a show. Every sur la pointe we got even remotely close we’d kiss and the crowd would awe… Anyway, this section of the dance I went into a series of sur le cou de pied pirouettes and into a assemblé dessus porté he dropped me. His face twisted in horror as I fell and I was knocked unconscious.

It must have begun to pour the exact moment he did so inside the world in my head, because I shot up as if I was being challenged to the death. I inhaled a deep breath and withdrew my razor from my mouth and drew one long deep defined line across my right shoulder. I turned around and opened my eyes and there Jesse was standing there looking horrified.

I tried to ask him how long had been standing there, but I was unable to form words at that instant. He looked at me woefully and asked me if I needed a hug, and I declined. He was offended, but no more so then usual. I smiled at him and ran ahead and splashing in all the puddles that have formed in this short five minutes he found me.

I heard soft crunching of the almost soaked leaves behind me; before I had a moment to turn around Jesse said to me, “Ki, don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself? Everyday I see a new scar, or notice you’re getting thinner… It’s not your fault for Christ’s sake…”

I took a breath in sharply, fuck did those words sting. How I hated to hear that when most people can’t fathom what real love feels like, nor know all the details or the hell or the terribly bad person I have been; but I knew there was truth in it. I looked into his eyes and stated, “I know it isn’t my fault he hung himself, but you must admit if I would have loved him and treated him right it would have never come to this, if I never would have wondered what I could have had instead of what I already knew was good, I could have saved his life… and Melodys too.”


He studied me hard for a few second and responded, “Beki, I know for a fact when both of those relationships began you told them you were not worth their love because you weren’t able to love yourself, I remember you telling me that too when we dated and that was eons ago; you are not here to be a Shepard, you do not need to guide lost sheep. Now when we get home I’m making you soup and we’re putting you in the shower, the blood and rain is going to tangle your hair all up so tie it up, I don’t want to brush a mess.”


I giggled and kissed him on the noses murmuring what a silly faggot he was; and since that I can happily say I have not lost this feeling of contentment. Go ahead, smile with me.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, August 5th, 2003

Subject:so very few left
Time:1:08 am.
Mood: drained.
Another cut; don't be bitter. ..and some of them are self explainitory... so no more hateful IMs or e-mails from the weak telling me how darling I am to them...

fuck you.

Sunday, August 3rd, 2003

Subject:for those I've removed.
Time:12:41 pm.
Mood: content.
you couldn't make the cut.
Comments: Read 9 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, June 22nd, 2003

Subject:as ye sow, so shall ye reap
Time:3:15 pm.
Mood: cynical.
I think my posts shall be friends only for now on. I'll also be revising my friend list down to the people I actually speak to; so I may write more freely on here.

I'm sick of the pointless posts I usually find myself making, and I'm tired of having to speak in such cryptic terms.

Please do not be offended. I simply do not feel safe; with some of the people which are reading me as if I'm a book.
Comments: Read 8 orAdd Your Own.

LiveJournal for - </3 tiny darling scar.

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